dont be stupid

he left me at this little park

it wasnt a park really tho

it was a tiny grassy area next to a police academy

lined with oleander bushes on one side

he said he would be right back

but i was there for hours

four hours maybe

it was fine

i just laid in the grass

it was pleasant actually

a cool place in the hot summer

but i did start to get bored

i started thinking about how he loved me

picking me up off the street and taking me under his wing

and i loved him for loving me

i started plucking oleander flowers

just picking them and making a pile

pink and white

i picked so many

and i started lining them up

i spelled

I LOVE YOU

really big like four foot tall letters

and the O in LOVE was a heart

when i finished i was so pleased

i had butterflies in my stomach

imagining how pleased he would be

i lay on my back with my arms behind my head

smiling

i finally heard his footsteps

on the street gravel

i hopped up next to my proclamation

grinning foolishly

and he walks up and reads it and smiles

and he starts kicking the flowers

walking through them

stepping on them

screwing up the letters

and he says

dont be stupid

im everything

when im a passenger

all i do is look out the window

i smell the old oil and grease

of boarded up gas stations

and i feel the grass on my shins

when we pass fields

when im looking out the window

everything we drive by

becomes part of me

every person in every car

has a world in my mind

every lit window in a house

is a microsecond life

im suddenly the person

walking down the street

im the dog

im the fire hydrant

im the tree

we pass a convenience store

i smell the new cigarettes

i hear my shoes on the pavement

i kiss the cashiers boyfriend

before i go to work

im inhaling

the scent of traffic

im a bird in the

pink sunset sky

im the street

im the air

im me

im everything

bully

wind chimes thrashing

leaves being dragged down the street

sometimes pushed

the house is gasping

curtains inhale into my room

doors exhale in their jambs

the windows are wailing

toys in the backyard

chairs knocked over

even limbs of trees are snapped

but i am safe in my bed

for now

 

 

 

 

 

regrets

thinking about the hard times my daughter has been going through has been compelling me to remember back when she was a young girl and recall all the times im certain i was a bad mother and there are a lot of times to recall but this one thing i cant forget  that i hate so much  that i loathe with my entire being  and is in my eyes the beginning of the end of her innocence  a time we were all going for a family walk  she and me her brother and dad  and she comes up next to me and slips her ten year old hand in mine and i took my hand from hers  i felt uncomfortable and embarrassed because of my own past and i said no you are too old to be holding your mothers hand and she said why and i said youre not a little kid anymore youre old enough to walk without holding my hand and she said okay and skipped ahead at least thats how i remember it  but i wish i could take it back  i wish i wasnt so ignorant about love back then   i wish i was better than that

metaphor

in summer mountains just look green from a distance

you only see tree tops all laced together like theres no space

between

you feel all dreamy and lost in the lushness

as you get closer you can see the earth underneath

and the rocks and the trunks standing at an angle

when youre right on the mountain you look up at the treetops

and wonder if anyone can see you

waving at the clouds

and smiling at the sun